Pat Dollard

Pistol-Packin’ Palin.

I got a million names for this woman and they all spell Tough Conservative Right Wing God-Loving Christian Pro-Life Gun Owning Hockey Mom.

I love her.

Not for the prurient reasons I have seen some toss out in comments like “She’s hot!”

She is, but that’s like #47 on her long list of attributes.

Every time I think about McCain picking her I get that choked-up laugh in the back of my throat. I can’t fully explain it, its a feeling more than anything else.

You know the choked-up laugh…the one where you’re down by 5 in the fourth quarter at mid-field and there’s only 10 seconds left and the quarterback drops back and the linebacker swipes at his jersey, the QB stumbles, and hearts of die-hard fans everywhere stop, but your seasoned QB stays on his feet, stumbling back across the other side of the field with defenders in tow, about to pounce…

…and you see it…

…and he sees it…

…everybody sees it…

…breaking away from the cornerback at the 15 yard line and turning toward an open post is the rookie wide receiver third round draft choice who came in because the star receiver went down in the third…

…and the quarterback tosses it up and…

BOOM!

He catches the ball at the five yard line and dive’s in for the Touchdown!

That’s the choked-up laugh I’m talkin’ about.

Or if you’re an old Bay Area Raiders/Niners fan like me, it’s the same choked up laugh I had when I sat on my grandparent’s living room couch, knowing I’d be heading off to boot camp in less than 90 days and drinking brews with my Dad, my Grandpa, my cousins, and the whole family, when Joe Montana tossed “The Catch” to Dwight Clark across the back of the end zone to send the Niners, who had sucked for soooooo long (, we even took OJ for a season or two in the end), into the Super Bowl.

Ha! Take that Dallas. Tony Romo was literally in diapers back then.

As I sat there at my desk, somewhere around 6:30 AM PST Friday morning, listening to Campaign Carl Cameron say he had confirmation from McCain Muckety-Mucks that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was his pick for VP, I felt that choked up laugh creep up from my belly, and a million things raced through my mind.

Not Romney? Back in the dark recesses of my un-pundit-like mind I would have sworn he was going to pick Romney to balance out the economic deficit in our camp.

Not Cantor? I was really hoping it would be Eric Cantor. Just because I like his ties.

Then the big one…

This is the biggest witch-slap-hail-Mary-in-your-face-Barry of the Election.

Not only that, but she’ll shoot a moose and eat it, too.

I eat Moose. I love mooseburgers. My father-in-law is a big-time hunter, with a large gun collection, and he travels the world hunting big game. My father-in-law is the only person that I’ve ever seen that has more mounted animals (and I mean Deer, Elk, Moose, Cougar, Bear, Gazelle, and a hundred other critters, all of which we all ate) than Ted Nugent.

Even Ted is envious of a few of my father-in-law’s trophies ( you if that bugs you, we eat ‘em just like Uncle Ted).

Ted does have a giraffe, though. My father-in-law doesn’t have a giraffe. I keep telling him he needs a giraffe, and he always laughs at me and says he won’t set foot in Africa ever again, even for a giraffe. Let Ted have the giraffe.

But I imagine that’s another story.

And every year my father-in-law hunts moose up in Canada and every year we eat mooseburgers, and they are delicious!

Man, oh, man! She’s a hunter, she fishes, she’s an outdoorswoman.

I have to tell you I did six patrols in Alaska, a Coast Guard ALPAT (Alaskan Patrol) for a 378’ High Endurance Coast Guard Cutter means two months cruising waters of sometimes 34 degrees, with 50 foot waves and 90 knot winds in the Gulf of Alaska, the Bering Sea, and sometimes crossing into the Arctic Ocean, and then two months back in Hawaiian waters.

I’ve done six Alaskan patrols, witches. I know Alaska.

I have puked into the frozen gutters of Adak, Juneau, Dutch Harbor, Kodiak, Nome, and Anchorage, hell I even went home with the bartender of the Red Dog Saloon in Juneau one wintry eve in 1983. Man, she was cute.

I can tell you that Alaska is beautiful. Even with my frozen puke on the ground.

And my pukes were from drinking…not from being a seasick green pollywog.

And there are as many beautiful women on Adak Island as there are trees.

And the wildlife…bald eagles and otters fill every port, everywhere, never seen so many.

Alaska is beautiful.

Kinda like Sarah Palin.

But I imagine, and have heard things about Sarah Palin that, like Alaska, don’t ever let the beauty fool you. Only the strong survive in Alaska. Alaska looks nice, but just try and with it. Go ahead, with it.

It will eat you alive.

I wouldn’t with Sarah Palin, either. They didn’t call her “Sarah Barracuda” for nothing.

There’s a quote from some “journalist” somewhere, can’t remember who or where right now, sorry, it’s the quote that I remember most. It was this:

“The Alaskan landscape is littered with the corpses of people who have crossed Sarah Palin.”

Yeah! Aw hell, not just Yeah! but Fuck Yeah!

Can’t wait for a Palin/Biden debate. Truly can’t wait.

I first heard she was being considered back in May, in fact, it was the first we had ever heard of her consideration. I believe my comment was : “Not a bad idea.”

Part 2 coming soon.