September 9, 2008
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Stroke Of Midnight:
“He said I don’t know what it is, but you seem different to me.”
“I Just came back from a place where they hated me, and everything I stand for
A land where our brothers
are dying for others
who just don’t give a damn anymore
I’m not the same buddy that you ran around with…
I just came back from a war…
Chances are I never will be the same
I really don’t know anymore…. I just came back from a war…
You don’t know me
You don’t know me
You don’t know me
anymore”
7:57 A.M.
TRANSCRIPT [by an anonymous member of the armed forces]:
Good evening and welcome to Countball; I’m your douche-bag, Keith Matthews.
Our top story: tonight, several hundred liberal bloggers are taking a break from rubbing themselves in peanut butter to expose the most recent scandal to scandalize the scandalous Sarah Palin, that uppity witch John McCain picked for his vice president. The question on everyone’s lips: does Sarah Palin spank her children?
Intrepid conservative blogger Andre Sullivan was the first to point out the unnatural flatness of young son Piper’s buttocks in photos, saying quote; “God damn, do you see how flat that kids ass was? It looks like it was beaten with a hockey stick!”
An anonymous senior adviser to McCain told the Washington Post that “in an early interview, Sarah told us that she spanked her children; whether or not she spanks her husband as well is a private matter.”
Some Republican Crypto-Nazis maintain that the media will suffer a backlash from asking tough questions about that stupid ho’s spank-first-ask-questions-later record; “What McCain is doing so well right now is reaching out to the S & M vote, a totally untapped demographic,” claimed war-criminal Karl Rove. “2008 may well be the year of the kink-vote.” A recent Gallup poll showed McCain up by forty-seven points among likely voters who would tap that ass for sure, bro.
Several members of the media elite–who are way smarter than you can imagine–are not apologizing for their continuing stellar coverage of the -in-chief. “Who did Sarah Palin spank, what did she spank them for, and when did she spank them?” asked Chris Olbermann, former BSNBC anchor and host of Harddown. “She is a heartbeat away from being the most powerful person in the world–the American people have a right to know whether she shaves ‘down there’ or not. Nobody wants four more years of bush.”
BSNBC is far from alone; here’s next week’s cover story for National Standard magazine: “Sarah Palin Farts in Church; Democrats Smell Foul-Pray.” We will bring you continuing coverage of that ripping story as it dissipates.
For now, it looks like a tough road ahead for dirty pirate hooker Sarah Palin.
12:01 P.M.
2;44 P.M.
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