October 1, 2008
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4:37 A.M.
Play the song while reading if you like -
From an email I wrote in Ramadi:
As my spirit and sense of humanity were being beaten down with the steady drip of terror, horror and slaughter (which at times might lull a bit or ratchet up even worse, like an extreme blip on an ekg) I didn’t realize it so much until one evening, returning to base after patrol, and a deep sense of exhusted sadness found me, and I remember getting a profound understanding of what was really all around everyone in this country, and how far anyone involved had yet to go until it was over, when a grainy collage of the worst of what I’d seen breezed through my subconcious, and without initially realizing it, the first two of the four times I said it, I found myself staring out of the window and mouthing “The horror, the horror”, and as I caught myself, I couldn’t even laugh at it, but what I was was shocked, just shocked to find my life in such a place and condition that I could be muttering that famous line without even the slightest iota of irony. And then it hit me that I was in the exact same state of mind as this otherworldly character locked in mental and physical terrain so savage that strength, cunning and ruthlessness were the most sacred and important of virtues. For a moment I went cold and felt sadder than I ever had in my life, that I knew exactly what those lines meant, and why he spoke them, not intellectually, but experientially.
That was the moment that I decided to reveal to you what it was like to wrestle for your life with evil incarnate whereas before, like most people, I was primarily wrestling with the evil within, the battle for my soul. Battling for your very life with evil, actually, truly seeing demons in living breathing form doing exactly what you’d expect demons to do from all the folklore and stories disparaged as “fairy tales” in the Bible: living in shadows, plotting and executing every form of crime and terror in the hopes of gaining power over mankind, finding inspiration and power in strange rituals with strange music, possessing the souls of humans, kidnapping others, including children, often for use as pawns in crimes and acts of terror.
Children were killed on purpose in Iraq. It had to be done, because from time to time they had been turned into immediate threats right on your ass that couldn’t be stopped otherwise; and frankly, there were many others who probably should have been killed but weren’t because a demon hides himself well, and it’s the hardest thing in the world to kill a child. But if they weren’t going to allow us to hold them and remold them, to exorcise the demon, than there were a lot of children in Ramadi who needed to be killed to protect our own. Why do I write stuff like this, so terribly, terribly disturbing? Because it happened, it continues to happen, it’s out there, it is real. And I don’t see anyone else writing it, so it seems clear that if I don’t, nobody will.
The ones who were killed on purpose? Mostly Human IEDs. Right on your ass seconds from blowing, unless you can drop them before they get to you. The sickest part is that the same Al Qaeda bastards who would strap a crippled wheel-chair bound child with enough C4 to blow apart a Marine post to kill a few Marines and a child, either stole that child from his parents, slowly eroded and maddened his parents’ mind with “Godly” propaganda, or shattered their will with fear from threats. So these parents may have simply handed their own child over to death of their own free will in the living room of their home.
These Al Qaeda, these human monstrosities, search for and consider every possible detail of evil and horror that they can wring out of any operation in order to maximize not just the physical damage and body count, but the psychic and spiritual damage, preferably making it permanent, and at it’s pinnacle, the stuff of eternal legend. There is an unspoken competition within Al Qaeda as to who can conceive of what attack which will most destroy the psychic and emotional health of the living, at it’s best leaving the victims with a quality of life of a subserviant, beaten animal or even one which is not worth enduring at all. They have grown sicker. They no longer attack only for strategic ends, but for whatever reward their spirits find in the greatest executions of horror on earth.
When making such considerations, they are like a rapist appraising a woman’s body, a drug addict scouring his floor for every possibly dropped morsel, a lawyer or banker or agent examining every possible revenue stream, every last detail of a lawsuit, a transaction, or a negotiation to make sure that not one penny of potential income has been missed. When Al Qaeda plan such an operation they think not only very specifically of the headline in the New York Times about a handful of Marines being killed in one incident in “lost and Al Qaeda-controlled Ramadi”, or about the fact that if the Marines do manage to figure out what’s happening, and do shoot the child, then the locals who don’t know why it was done will turn against the Marines, and the American press will cover it vaguely enough and quote some local authority ( who they don’t tell you is also an agent of Al Qaeda), claiming that the Americans were so careless or hateful that they killed an innocent child. But what is most important to Al Qada, is that they are assured of a victory either way. If the Marines do not shoot him to death and he blows them up, victory. But if the Marines do in fact shoot and kill the little boy in the wheelchair, they know that they will have pushed the Marines mind, soul and will to the furthest limits of his endurance, they know that to kill the children may indeed save their bodies, but it is likely to wound somethng else in them, perhaps siginifcanty - victory again. They really want nothing more than to stop these Young Americans from holding them in check, protecting an entire planet.
7:49 P.M.
Deeply asleep, mildly awake, just now…
7:52 P.M.
11:59 P.M.
“Sarah Palin reminds everybody of their mother, their sister. Joe Biden reminds everybody of the loudmouth at the bar last weekend that they beat with a pool cue.”
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