Pat Dollard

“I remember when you humans were running around, cold, hungry, miserable, and living in the wild. A short time ago you started removing that slimy oil and using it, and look at you now!”

“Yesterday I was bored so I listened to your Earth Day speakers. You don’t get me at all. I almost made an earthquake in California just to shut you up.”

“At the first Earth Day, the message from you was that I was cooling. Now you say I’m warming and you think I don‘t like it. I might not be human, but who wouldn’t rather be warm instead of cold? And didn’t you notice that big ball of fire in the sky, and my molten core, it’s f-ing hot.”

“I could care less about you. You are like characters on TV to me. I watch you from a distance for amusement. Those dinosaurs really pissed me off. They were so big, it hurt when they walked on me. I thank God for that asteroid. You should of seen the smoke after that. Everyday I wake up and pray for another one.”

(At this point the Earth was getting agitated thinking about all the idiots who try and speak for him. Word-Drum passed him a joint and he continued.)

“But I don’t know why you like to terrify your children. You are their biggest threat. They know what they need. Children need energy, and you are sapping it by refusing to drill for oil, and scaring them that the energy they need is destroying me. I feel sorry for the little tykes. But whatever…”

"Speak for yourself, asshole!"

“In the mean time, I ask that you get this damn oil out of me and use it. God put it here for you. Solar and Wind Power is not going to cut it.  A calm day with cloud cover will leave you like you used to be. I suggest you go Nuclear( it works for me) and stop putting up those stupid windmills everywhere.”

“If you want a good alternative energy, try burning “Environmentalists.” That Al Gore guy
would provide enough heat for a large family.”

“Earth Out…Bitches.”