Jan 13, 2010 5 Comments ›› The Assassin
WASHINGTON â€“ Officials in the nationâ€™s capitol are poised to pass legislation that would legalize medicinal marijuana in the District of Criminals specifically to help members of an ailing Congress and White House, where unhealthy delusions of grandeur are rampant and widespread unemployment looms.
The rules will apply to a swath of the city defined by rigid boundaries spanning from Capitol Hill to the White House. The section of the city will now be called Tijuana del Norte, instead of the endearing term locals use for it, The Sped Zone. The rest of D.C. will be designated a no toking area.
â€œItâ€™s been a difficult year for the Democrats in Congress and the White House, despite some of their perceived legislative victories,â€ said Ward 4 D.C. Councilman Joey Roachclip, a longtime supporter of social causes like medicinal marijuana use and bong hits for the homeless. â€œWe just wanted to give them a way to manage their pain during the coming year, which portends to be even more brutal.â€
Roachclip sponsored the legislation once public backlash over Obamacare during the Christmas holiday showed, in poll after poll, that 99.9 percent of congresscriminals will be lucky to make it home for their next winter break without being skinned alive and fed to the Asian snakehead fish pillaging the Potomac. Some experts, however, claim that the normally ravenous snakeheads wouldnâ€™t touch a congresscriminal with Henry Waxmanâ€™s teeth.
The situation is becoming increasingly depressing for Democrats, with Republican Scott Brown dangerously close to winning the empty U.S. Senate seat for Massachusetts, especially since Brown knows how to spell the stateâ€™s name while his opponent apparently does not. Brown and Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley square off next week in a special election for the seat of former Sen. Ted Kennedy, who is now president of hell.
In fact, last week, Sen. Christopher Dodd (Dickhead, Connecticut) decided to join Byron Dorgan of North Dakota and several shady congresscriminals among the ranks of the unemployed next year because theyâ€™re so far removed from whatâ€™s really going on in America they would have gotten their asses kicked in November even by undead opponents.
â€œI havenâ€™t the brains to compete with zombies,â€ Dodd said, turning away to slither under a rock.
The legislation will also help pResident Barack Obama honor his goal of making the District of Criminals more transparent. Right now, Obama hides in the private study Bill Clinton once used to grope visitors, to habitually smoke hash for nerve damage he suffered earlier in the year when Michael Jacksonâ€™s bizzare brain was implanted in his skull.
â€œThe pResident would certainly like to be more open about being a stoner,â€ said Chief White House Illiterate Robert Ahhh Gibbs.
n other news from the District of Criminals, Republicans have introduced legislation in the House that would create a federal agency to regulate the apologies of public officials, such as that of Senate majority leader Harry Reid. The Washington Times reports: â€œThe Apologetics and Atonement Administration would be assigned to the Ministry of Euphemy, charged with measuring the sincerity of the miscreants and gauging how abject they really are.â€
Vice President Joe Biden said he owes America for numerous gaffes he never apologized for and would volunteer to be the first to try some of the new penalties that would be enforced under the legislation, such as waterboarding and autoerotic asphyxiation.
â€œIâ€™d choose having to inhale the fumes wafting from Helen Thomasâ€™ feet,â€ Biden said. â€œI hear itâ€™s better than smoking crack.â€